not interested in being legible, interested in being looked in the eye

“To be entangled is not simply to be intertwined with another, as in the joining of separate entities, but to lack an independent, self-contained existence. Existence is not an individual affair. Individuals do not preexist their interactions; rather, individuals emerge through and as part of their entangled intra-relating. Which is not to say that emergence happens once and for all, as an event or as a process that takes place according to some external measure of space and of time, but rather that time and space, like matter and meaning, come into existence, are iteratively reconfigured through each intra-action, thereby making it impossible to differentiate in any absolute sense between creation and renewal, beginning and returning, continuity and discontinuity, here and there, past and future.”

— Karen Barad, Meeting the Universe Halfway, ix

My life has become too painful and I keep asking myself, what am I doing to get out of where I am? What am I doing with my life? It took me long to realize that it’s love that distinguishes man from stones, trees, rain, and that we can lose our love and that love grows through loving, yes, I have been so completely lost, so truly lost. There were times I wanted to change the world, I wanted to take a gun and shoot my way through Western Civilization. Now I want to leave others alone, they have their terrible fates to go. Now I want to shoot my own way through myself, into the thick night of myself. Thus I change my course, my love going inwards, thus I am jumping into my own darkness. There must be something, somehow, I feel, very soon, something that should give me some sign to move one or another direction. I must be very open and watchful now, completely open. I know its coming. I am walking like a somnambulist waiting for a secret signal, ready to go one or another way, listening into this huge white silence for the weakest sign or call. And I sit here alone and far from you and it is night and I am reflecting on everything all around me and I am thinking of you. I saw it in your eyes, in your love, you too are swinging towards the depths of your own being in longer and longer circles. I saw happiness and pain in your eyes and reflections of the paradises lost and regained and lost again, and the terrible loneliness and happiness, yes, and I reflect upon this and I think about you, like two lonely space pilots on outer cold space, as I sit here this late-night alone and I think about all this and about you and for a brief moment I don’t know for how long we meet somewhere between the words, dreams, images, space between the words perhaps and I am happy. As I look into the cold endless space passing without sound without speed a metal blue endless distance between us, but I know you are there, I can feel your heartbeat, my love.